Most of the time when I get in the blog-mode I know beforehand what to write. Not so today. I just felt like writing, so let’s see where this will lead! I work as a helper at a little library of books in English. Very seldom, but still. And I enjoy it immensely. Last time there, I found some books for sale att 25 cents a piece. One of them was “The Art of Living”, as thaught by S N Goenka. This is about Vipassana, which I won’t go into here as I don’t practise it. But for years now I’ve been sort of chomping at the bit trying to get away for a ten-day course, never gotten so far, and so on and so forth. I won’t call it a sign, but last week when I was at a particularly low point I remembered having it, and yesterday I started to read. It’s such a simple way of attain peace of mind, and even so, so hard. I can’t understand how we (or at least I and a few others) manage to complicate life so much. And looking at the world I can’t understand how so many claim not to need some clarification, or a handle on their life. It seems as we all just live by reacting to somebody elses action. Most of the time mindlessly, i.e without really reflecting on how we respond to what has just been dealt us. I know this from my own life. How I many times just lash out a pre-set answer, or a pre-conditioned feeling just steers me towards a result I didn’t really aim at. It’s scary to realize that what we call control of mind more resembles a sort of Pavlovs’ Dog answer to that which happens around us. No, this isn’t something I picked up from the Vipassana book, rather it triggered some thoughts that were lying idle, waiting for a new chance to get themselves heard. From now on I will try very hard to “count to ten” before lashing out a quick retort that usually reflects my reaction rather then my true mind. Hopefully it’ll work at least five times out of ten, I don’t hope for much more. It seems that ” to will” something isn’t enough. But I can’t find out what the missing component is, not yet at least. But then, what about those among us that seem to want to spread discontent and sorrow or anger? Is it only because they are so miserable being who they are that they have to let their surrounding suffer? What about that Choice I harp on about from time to time? Are they so very unhappy that they really chose to share that with the rest of us? I wonder…Maybe there is a dark side to us all then that we can actually chose bad before good. And then, how will I be able to feel pity?
Believe me, I don’t always. Not even most of the time. But I try to see things from that other point of view. As often as I can remember to. When my reaction doesn’t get in the way too quickly for me to even see it come. I actually aim for serenity, even strain towards it. And even as I see the tools I need to get the work properly done, I still chose to look the other way so many times. I just can’t get it right. Ofcourse trying is good, better than not, but life is short, at least this one, and I would really like to get it if not perfect, then at least good…..Oh I don’t know, I suppose most of us have these rambling thoughts. Obviously this is not the evening I will solve the problem of the Art of Being Me.
Something, Anything 